They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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