Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
