When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
