shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
