Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My hand turned me down
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
