I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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