So drunk its hurt
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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