Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
