a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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