Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
