he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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