Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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