So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
