I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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