I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my liver is dry heaving
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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