I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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