I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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