My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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