And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
