This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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