why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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