Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think i have two assholes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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