What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
