I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
