Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
