your thong is hanging out like whoa
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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