Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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