im drinking this country out of the recession.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
