I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
