I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
