Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My liver just had a heart attack.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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