I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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