Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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