your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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