Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.