Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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