well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
