Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
