Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
