i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just tell him i said nine months
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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