Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
