none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We need to get me chipped asap
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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