I will die if light touches me.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
