i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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