In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
