I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
