dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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