upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
