i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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