I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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