you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
