are you still at the devil's house?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
