At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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