I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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