So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
