Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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