the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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