so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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