there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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