why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
