One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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